Cold Email Template - What do you think?

My suggestions are:

1. Don't begin by talking about yourself in the first paragraph.

2. Don't imply in the second paragraph that you have done no research about the company.

3. Try to be less sales-y in the third paragraph.

4. In the fourth paragraph, suggest a call to action which is more compelling than "it would be great to chat".

Instead, I would:

1. Begin with a reference to something highly-targeted you have found out through research on LinkedIn, business news sites, or the company's website, which may have a specific or general connection to your branding skills. (e.g. "I saw your logo in StartUps Magazine and thought we could make more impact for you").

2. Next, add a little more detail about the benefit that would bring.

3. Then, add some social proof references by briefly mentioning a satisfied client of your work and the benefits it brought them (e.g. "which you can view on our portfolio at ..."

4. Finally, end with a call to action in which you commit to doing something. Your prospect is too busy to have the time or focus to contact you.

First line is fluff. Cut.

Second line isn't really adding much either. You obviously have some idea what the challenges are or you wouldn't be reaching out. If you didn't think you could help them with the challenges they're facing, what are you offering?

Description of Hunter is fine. I would maybe lead with this. "Our purpose is to help create value for you" is the fluffiest fluff I've ever read in my life. Everybody thinks they can create value for people. Be specific. How will you create value? What are you offering?

Use the formula, "X % of entrepreneurs face Y problem. How are you planning to meet that challenge today?" or similar.

Compare these two statements:

1. “We’re discovered a breakthrough in recovering failed payments. The reason I called is to share this breakthrough with you. Do you have your calendar handy?”

2. “I’m not sure about you folks, but membership sites with over 3k subscribers typically lose 9-11% of their revenue from failed credit card payments. If I’m not overstepping, how are you recovering failed payments today?”

Which are you more likely to reply to? Why?

PS Copied the two statements directly from Josh Braun on LinkedIn. Recommend following him. He's got really good advice about sales emails.

Just my suggestion is - please short your mail as much you can because this is too long.

The opening line, "You might know of us or have heard of us before… however it would be wrong to assume," may come across as somewhat vague and potentially confusing. It's better to be clear and direct in your opening sentence to immediately capture the recipient's attention.

The second sentence, "Likewise, it would be wrong of me to think I know who you are or about the challenges you face as [Title] of [Company]. Which is why I’m reaching out," is a good way to establish empathy and create a connection with the recipient. However, it could be rephrased for greater clarity and impact.

The next paragraph about Hunter being a creative branding agency is clear and to the point. However, it might be more effective to highlight a specific achievement or success story to pique the recipient's interest and demonstrate the value of your services.

The closing sentence is polite, but it might be more effective to end with a clear call-to-action, such as "If you're interested in learning more, please let me know when would be a good time to schedule a call or meeting.